Parashat Vayishlach

Parashat Vayishlach

Kislev 14, 5772 ~ December 10, 2011
by Dan Cohen

Written in honor of my father, a man who likes to take a contrarian view, to celebrate his “impending” birthday.

The burdens we carry define us if we let them.

In the preface to his book, “The Middle Passage,” Jungian scholar James Hollis says,

…psychologists know that the capacity for growth depends on one’s ability to internalize and take personal responsibility. If we forever see our life as a problem caused by others, a problem to be ‘solved,’ then no change will occur.

In this Parsha, Jacob prepares to meet his brother Esau after a 20 year, self-imposed separation. Rashi describes the fearful Jacob prepares by praying to G‑d for deliverance, by appeasing his brother with gifts, and by planning for war if it should become necessary.

It seems like Esau had other ideas. Though he traveled with an imposing posse of 400 men, he appears to have approached Jacob with little or no ill will. In due time, Esau rejects Jacob’s offer of gifts including cattle and other livestock. Instead, it is said,

“And Esau ran toward him and embraced him, and he fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept.” Genesis Chapter 33, verse 4.

What’s going on here? Jacob took vast precautions to protect his family and to placate his brother with gifts. Esau on the other hand just showed up.

I was intrigued by a Valerie Lieber drash in the Phoenix, AZ Jewish News from 2004. It seems to take a contrarian view to many other sources. She said,

“In this chapter, it becomes evident that Esau has long ago made peace with his brother and his own lot in life. He sees blessings in his circumstance, despite the fact that he did not receive the grander blessing Jacob did.

Jacob too views his fate as blessed; however, he has not made peace with the past. He seems cursed with the inability to move beyond the emotions of that earlier betrayal…

They both cry; Esau sheds tears of joy at the reunion, and Jacob cries tears of release from his pent-up dread.”

What would it mean to analyze the story by cutting Esau some slack (which candidly I’ve never done) and holding Jacob to the standard she describes?

How do we account that Jacob spent decades avoiding Esau, consumed by the dread and fear of his actions – rather than take responsibility for them?

First, it makes sense that the reunion was preceded by Jacob’s dream; the one in which he wrestles an angel. Jacob had been wrestling a demon (his brotherly betrayal and a failure to account for it) for years. Now, on the precipice of the actual reunion, Jacob knows he must settle things once and for all. Between himself and his G-d, then between himself and his brother.

Second, while Esau seems to have come to grips with his own choices, and those of Jacob, far sooner and thus lived a life less burdened, Jacob may not be so lucky. Lieber continues:

Jacob owes Esau an apology but does not even attempt to ask for Esau's forgiveness. Jacob uses gifts and gestures of humility to pacify his brother but does not give his own heart. Jacob holds back from offering real teshuvah (repentance). He gives Esau no opportunity to offer true forgiveness, because Jacob cannot forgive even himself.

Lieber’s analysis challenges us to think about the true cost when we do not own up to our actions and recognize the limits on our ability to control the actions of others.

Author Jon Muth has written a series of children’s books centered on a Zen-quoting giant Panda named Stillwater. They are a huge hit in our house. In his first book, “Zen Shorts,” Stillwater retells a famous Zen parable. The story – quickly summarized:

A young and old man are standing by the side of a muddy river. A princess comes by and the men offer to carry her across so that she doesn’t get dirty. As they put her down on the other side, she walks off without a thank you. Hours later, the young man complains to the old man on this lack of courtesy. The old man replies, “I put her down hours ago, why are you still carrying her?”

Decades removed from his deception and acquisition of the birthright, it is as alive as the day it happened in Jacob’s memory. It’s only in facing up to Esau, preparing for every possible eventuality, and then engaging with him, that Jacob can finally move on with his life.

As their reunion wanes, Esau offers to travel with Jacob or send his men to accompany him. But at this point, with the reconciliation behind him, Jacob is finally in a position to be fully accountable for his own destiny and truly on his own. It’s no coincidence that the newly liberated Jacob is renamed, “Israel” by the angel to honor his struggle.

Just a few short chapters later, Jacob and Esau, bury Isaac together. This time, they stand aside each other as their own men and honor their father as brothers.